Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Walking Contradiction

I went over & over & over this post many times in my head and re-wrote it probably even more. I am a pretty private person when it comes to emotions and for me to put this out there was a struggle. That being said...

I absolutely love staying home with my kids...with all my being and, in that same breath, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done. The fact that we are the ones shaping & molding them daily (ofcourse with help of family & now school) is something that I am sooo thankful for and I feel blessed that I am entrusted with these 2 little beings every day! I am grateful to Josh for the fact that I CAN be with them while they're small!

However, there is no one to give me gold stars or sing songs of praise or a lil slap on the rear end or saaaay a trip to Whistler when a minor feat of parenting has been accomplished. It can be quite lonely.

Although I did stay home with Logan I was working towards something. I was in school when he was at MDO and at nights when he slept. When I graduated I worked part time while he was in real school. I was there to pick him up everyday and could volunteer in his class. This was ideal. So I've never actually just.stayed.home.

I know I need to find my "thing" & I know exactly what I want to do. But to make the time & to find the resources to further my knowledge has been a challenge. I feel guilty for practicing or studying when I could be doing something with the kids or for going all the way upstairs when the kids are in bed and Josh is finally home. I know that before I know it they'll be grown and I'll have all the time in the world to myself so I try to take advantage of the time I DO have with them.

So basically, I'm a big ball of sad, thankful, frustrated, blessed...all wrapped up and tied with a big ole ribbon of In A Rut.

I did not put this out there for pity. Merely to get the thoughts out of my head and into some sort of organized fashion. This helps me identify the problem and find a solution. So if you happen to read this please don't bring it up in person. I'll get all awkward and embarrassed and fumble around with my words trying to explain myself (hence why I have to WRITE this stuff down). My main reason for sharing is to ask a favor of you...if you pray, will you include me?

And This Too Shall Pass



Dusty Brown said...

You are preachin' to the choir, LOL!

Katie said...

Totally preaching to the choir....except I never got to stay home with my daughter.... so i dont know about that part.....but life is not fair and there will never be enough time in the world to get everything done.....like you said it will pass....but know you are always in my prayers.

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