Tuesday, May 5, 2009

An Open Letter

I miss you so very terribly. Every day. But it always stings a bit more right around now. I am sorry I wasn't a better daughter while you were here.
Oh how I'm sorry.
But if you could see me know! I know we'd be the best of friends. I would probably call you at least once a day. We would do projects together like learning to sew and
making old things pretty again.
You would teach me new things like maybe how to draw. I remember that time you sketched a picture of me on a road trip and I was absolutely stunned by your skill. I always wanted to draw like you. Sadly, that gene passed me right by. You had some
crazy dance moves
that I'm pretty sure I did inherit though.
There are many times I feel cheated. I wish I had known you better. Memories have faded and it's hard to hold them. I can't really remember they way you were...before. I hate that. There aren't many that can tell your stories anymore. What kind of music did you like? Did you always want to stay home with us or did you have a dream job in mind that you'd one day do? What were your favorite scents, foods, colors? What was it like having us? How was college? Were they the glory days like mine?

I often wonder what people would still be
in my life
now if you were here.

It's stings even more knowing that Logi and B never met you. What would they have called you? Would you have special things that only you and one or the other would do? Would you make them peanut butter marshmallow crackers and coerce them to watch Andy Griffith re-runs with you? Of course you would. You would love them to pieces.
I just know it.
i love you.
I always loved you and I'm sorry I never showed it.
You were a great mom and would have been an even better grandmom.



Dusty Brown said...

That's very touching...

Anonymous said...

Your mom would be SO proud of you Lindz! So touching. Thanks for sharing and I love you.

Summer Lane said...

Anonymous is me, Summer Lane. I don't know how to work this.

Anonymous said...

Yes Lindsay, I hear you & I am sad & angry for the same reasons. My only regret in this life is that I was never mature enough to share this life with Debbie as equals. We were so very close, but as if we were only children- 10 yrs. apart. (Also not happy that she left me here w/Mom!) Truly, that is the only regret that I have, that I did not know your Mom better. She was wicked cool!!!!! Please, do not believe that you were ever a bad daughter, ever! You have always been fabulous & more than anything....your own person. That is everything that Debbie ever wanted,for you to be strong & self confident in this world. You are more (thanks to you) than anyone could have ever hope for!
She always believed in you. You never let her down. You were better than any us! (Especially debbie & I) Please don't confuse discipline with love.
You are one of the best people that I have ever seen or known. Your Mom is always with you!!

Mimi said...

Linds...Your Mom was proud of you! Sure you did some screwing up in your teens...so did Kacy. We expected that, and it did not make you a bad daughter!!!!! Debbie and I would have long conversations about you two, but there was never any question about how much you were loved.
Lets see if I can give you a little bit of history...
Debbie, Kathy, and I knew each other in early elementary school, and we were pretty much inseparable from the fourth grade on. We loved to read, play cards (especially Spit and Double Solitare), ride our bikes all over the place, cherry cokes, chocolate sodas, and cute boys. We listened to all kinds of music, as long as it was rock and roll, and Debbie had the best record collection. Her room was all purple, which was her favorite color. From junior high on, we spent at least one weekend night together, and usually it was at Debbie's, because Ann was the most tolerant of our mothers. The only thing that we had to make sure of was that we were NOT in the living room or kitchen around midnight, because that's when Julian got up to eat a big snack, and he always came down in his underwear!
When we got to high school, we were able to trade bikes for cars. Debbie turned 16 first, then Kathy in May, then, finally me in November. Debbie HATED to drive, so either Kathy or I did all the driving. Her parents gave me one of their cars to drive when I was baby-(or should I say terror-) sitting Patti while Debbie lifeguarded part time in the summer.
We were good as gold all through high school, and didn't get into any real "misbehavior" until after we graduated, but for a while there...that summer and during college breaks...we made up for it.
If you ever want to hear some of those stories, let me know.
I still miss your Mom every day...she was the only person on this earth that truly and completely knew me, and I felt the same about her. We had no secrets, and could go (after we were married) two or three months without talking (long distance calls were expensive and husbands would growl at us) and then it was just like we had talked 5 minutes before. Not many people get to have a friendship like that. I was blessed.
Rest assured that she was always proud of all of you and loved you all with all her heart.

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